


And This Is How I Disappear

by tequilatuesdays



Category: Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types, Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Heartache, Loneliness, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-06 17:28:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15199829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tequilatuesdays/pseuds/tequilatuesdays
Summary: He felt a sob well in his throat and swallowed it down and before the next one could rise, he took a deep breath and let his body sink until he was completely surrounded by the dark water. A comfortable silence washed over him. His arms and legs started to go numb, he felt dizzy but surprisingly calm. And then he screamed.





	And This Is How I Disappear

This was the spot he always turned to when the loneliness overwhelmed him and he craved the feeling of being close to him.  
Not his room or his bed, not the garden or the pool, but the pond where they went for a swim the morning after.  
This is where Elio escaped to when he wanted to feel the remnants of his touch on his skin. Where he could remember Oliver and wallow in the memories of his body; how he felt in his arms, what he smelt like between his legs and the way his lips curved into an affectionate smile whenever Elio just so much as looked at him.  
This was also where he could silently torture himself over how sorry he was for being so cold and distant that one morning, overpowered by feelings of guilt and self-loathing he didn't quite understand back then. 

It was late evening and twilight painted the sky in shades of dark blue and red. The trees were softly swaying in the late summer wind, a cool breeze running through their crowns.  
He walked over to the edge of the pond, slowly dipped his left foot into the cold water, then the right, and walked a couple of steps until he was almost swallowed by the black lake. He stretched out his arms and let them float on the surface for a while.  
The further he walked into the centre of the pond, the harder it got to get some solid footing on the muddy bottom so he ended up just floating on his back, letting the water support his slender body.  
He closed his eyes and slowly put his head back until the water covered his ears and he could hear his heartbeat, every single pound, heavy in his chest, every beat a reminder that his heart was still filled with memories of Oliver. The pain Elio was left with when they said their silent goodbye at the train station still flowed through his veins like liquid fire burning its way through his chest, spreading into his arms and legs.  
His vision blurred from the tears hovering in the corner of his eyes, waiting to spill down his cheeks, mixing in with the cool water of the pond.  
Oliver's face was haunting him.  
It was the last thing he saw before the train left the station. He sometimes wishes Oliver hadn't looked back, that the devastating look in his eyes wasn't branded into the back of Elio's mind, tattooed there, permanently. His bright blue eyes, bloodshot from suppressing the urge to cry. Bright blue eyes, filled with so much sorrow and pain that Elio eventually had to turn around and walk away, sit on the bench outside of the tiny station building.

He felt a sob well in his throat and swallowed it down and before the next one could rise, he took a deep breath and let his body sink until he was completely surrounded by the dark water.  
A comfortable silence washed over him.  
His arms and legs started to go numb, he felt dizzy but surprisingly calm. 

And then he screamed.

Big bubbles left his mouth, danced around his head and rose towards the surface.  
He kept pushing and pushing all the air out of his lungs until there was no oxygen left in his body and the screaming started to hurt in the back of his throat.  
Everything went quiet again and he just floated in the darkness for a few seconds until he felt lightheaded and the need for air overpowered his longing for solitude.  
A couple of strokes and he broke through the surface of the water, coughing and desperately gasping for air.  
He kicked and paddled his feet to stay afloat, his arms flailing until he calmed himself enough and he had steadied his breathing so he could lie on his back again and stare into the star covered night sky.  
He carefully wiped the remaining water off his face with one hand. The sounds of the cicadas and crickets filled the air and an owl hooted every so often in the distance.  
How he wished he could share moments like these with Oliver. They would just lie in the grass, legs tangled together, Elio's hand resting on Oliver's chest, feeling his soft fuzz and the rapid beat of his heart after they had just made love.  
Their sweat-covered bodies glistening in the moonlight, Oliver's fingers in his hair, lazily wrapping around his curls. Sometimes Elio still felt Oliver's lips on his. Felt his hands cup his face, pulling him closer so he could press a kiss to his forehead, then his nose until he reached his mouth.  
Elio traced his lips with his wrinkly fingers. How long had he been in the water?  
He could feel the tears and the hurt burn in his chest again.  
One deep breath and he disappeared into the depths of the pond, swallowed by the black water.

 

An owl hooted in the distance.


End file.
